Gratitude and Forgiveness for All the Moments
Gratitude for what serves me. I am grateful for the brilliant, generous humans who are brave enough to share their most intimate stories with me. I am grateful that I have learned to listen. I am grateful that I am committed to being a lifelong learner and a receiver of stories. It serves me to know what I don’t know and to reach out to those who do know.
Letting go of what doesn’t serve me. It doesn’t serve me to hold onto ideas from the past that aren’t working. It doesn’t serve me to continue to try and control things that are beyond my control. I had to let go of the idea of a second book for boys that would replicate the format and basic content of Things My Mama Never Told Me for girls. As it turns out, the first young men I interviewed said they wanted smaller, single-topic books. They happened to be on the queer spectrum and wanted a book for them. I still couldn’t envision the book. It wasn’t until I emailed Trans Family Support Services (TFSS) that I knew I needed a different idea . . . and a different understanding about gender.
The spokesperson from TFSS answered my inquiry for possible interviews with boys who identify as LGBTQ with this question: “I would like to ask for clarification on some of the language used since we are a trans- and nonbinary-serving organization. Are you only looking for folks who identify as male, or are you open to interviewing male-aligned/masculine nonbinary folks as well?” I answered something like, “Ohhh. . . I need a new title and new terms, don’t I?” I had to stop and listen. Ultimately, I had to grow . . . and then I had to shed my old ideas about gender. After several interviews and conversations, they sent me a note which read in part:
“It would be cool for you to recognize your learning journey in the book forward. ‘I started this journey not really knowing what the book was going to look like.’ Sometimes heterosexuals want to collect stories of people who identify as LGBTQ, but with the wrong intention. They do it to tell our stories for us. But what is cool with our conversations is that it feels much more like you thought it was going to be one thing, but now you’ve learned and questioned and changed. You came from a place of wanting to do better and know better. Now you say, ‘I guess I am interviewing women now. I don’t know!” We need more allies in our arena who jump into the water before they have the answers.”
We found each other because we were both willing. I had to alter my dream to meet the needs of the community I wanted to serve. I had to change my course and envision a new book that I couldn’t see yet.
Forgiveness for mistakes I’ve made. I am an imperfect ally. There is so much I don’t understand. I forgive my misuse of pronouns, my ignorance, my lack of understanding. I have changed because I’ve learned to focus on my own shortcomings. I have had to learn to be vulnerable and share my insecurities, problematic thinking, and weaknesses.
Ability to move forward. I can move forward if I am present in each moment. I must be fully aware of myself and the person whose story I am receiving. I don’t want to worry about the future: what the format of the book will be, when it will be done, how it will be published. I choose to slow down. Breathe. Accept that I am exactly where I need to be in this moment. I can be eager for the new experience I am in. I can be willing to be teachable. I can develop new strengths. I can stay on the path in front of me, one step at a time.