Understanding Friendships

We have three types of friends in life

Friends for a reason

Friends for a season, and

Friends for a lifetime.

—Aristotle

After reading and writing about friendship this week, I woke up this morning with the realization that friendship has never been easy for me. I threw away my first draft of this blog post.

As a child, I played with the neighborhood children in our backyards playing bakery with tin pie pans filled with dirt and water. We danced in front of sheet curtains on our patios. We played tag or hide-and-seek or baseball in the middle of the street until past dusk when our parents whistled us back into our homes. Those experiences felt mostly easyexcept for occasional hurt feelings, or once a punch in the nose (I did the punching).

During my school years, friendships became more complicated. I experienced my first grief over not being chosen or being left behind as a disposable friend. I felt misunderstood and anxious attempting to be a part of the cool groups. I missed out on a singing friend group because my voice didn’t make the cut. I didn’t wear enough make-up and have lenient enough parents for another group. I found the most lasting friendships with the orchestra nerds. We rehearsed and studied together, competed for chair positions, and supported each other in not needing boyfriends . . . except for the occasional stolen kiss in our church youth groups.

I know now, thanks to Aristotle, that every level of friendship serves us and helps us grow. Friends for a reason give each person in the relationship benefits. We play, laugh, complete projects, and help each other with homework. Friendships for a season may be more emotional and short-lived. We share experiences like sports teams or other similar interests, but when the interests change the friendship ends.

Only one friend from middle school and one from high school became lifetime friends . . . and only one of those friends remains a friend today. These two friendships provided my biggest revelation this morning. Until now, the friendship that ended baffled me and was the source of melancholy, grief, and even shame over the years. Why couldn’t I make this friendship work?

Aristotle says that lifetime friendships are based on a mutual appreciation of core virtues and beliefs. We receive the benefits and joy of the first two kinds of friendships, and weshare difficult and intimate times, but the relationships last because of the personsthemselves. Lifetime friendships can last forever because they’re based on goodness, empathy, and mutual growth.

I realize right now in this moment, that one friendship didn’t last because our core values and beliefs changed over time. I’ve had many friends since my school years ended. Some lasted only for a reason or a season, and I’m grateful for the benefits and pleasures we gave each other. However, the truth that I understand today is that the friends that hold a special place in my heart are those who are so much more than the things that we do. They share a deeper soul connection. I am grateful that our paths crossed.