Honoring Our Most Important Relationship
Some relationships are good most of the time, and some are bad most of the time. Some relationships are platonic and some are romantic. Some people choose not to be in a long-term relationship with a significant other at all. Some folks choose to be married. Some folks couldn’t be married for a very long time. Some people choose being single and some people grieve being single. I wonder if we can honor and grow our relationship with ourselves as our primary relationship.
I began my first relationship when I was sixteen. I lost myself, my virginity, my friends, my independence, my hobbies– and after marrying him at eighteen – my education and my dream to be a teacher. Moments before we walked down the candle-lit aisle, my father looked into my eyes and said, “We can turn around and walk down the staircase and out into the night if you want to change your mind.” The picture the photographer captured of that conversation still haunts me, my mascara smeared black under teary eyes.
Even though I regret that I chose to be in a serious relationship during high school, I have learned from Glennon Doyle that we grow with every attempt at love.
“You can be shattered and you can put yourself back together piece by piece until one day you wake up and realize that you have put yourself back together completely differently. That you are whole, finally and strong – but you are now a different shape, a different size.”
Since those young days of relationship, I have learned to grow my individuality first so I can better find healthy relationships. The Venn diagram of a healthy relationship shows us the importance of balance and being a healthy individual first, no matter how intimate or permanent our relationship may be with another person. We must love ourselves and love to be with ourselves and by ourselves. We must have activities and friends outside of our significant relationship if we are in one. We must develop personal hobbies, projects, and dreams that belong solely to us.
In the Venn diagram of an unhealthy relationship, we only maintain a sliver of who we were individually, giving up friends and activities so that we can spend most of our time with our partner. If we do not belong to ourselves first and honor those parts of ourselves that are uniquely ours, we risk losing ourselves during or after the relationship, should it end. The good news for my sixteen-year-old self (and for my adult self to this day) is that when I lose myself, I can begin again, refocusing and coming back to me. In the end, the most important relationship is the one I have with ME.
