Why Me? Why Write About the Queer Experience?

For a year now, I’ve been intently listening to brilliant humans living somewhere on the queer spectrum. Once in a while they challenge me to answer their own question: Why are you writing this book about the queer experience? Why are you interviewing me? Just last week, a lovely, brave transgender person shared how hurtful it can be to not be seen or heard by others for who they really are.

 I shared that sometimes I felt that way teaching teen students. I started out wanting to touch all my students every day. By the end of my career, I was grateful when I touched just one each day. I explained that they would be able to share their story in this new book, and while the goal is not that every person reading will understand, how wonderful would it be if just one really saw them? We had a moment of connection, and that’s when Xander shared their poem about the quest to have someone just see them for who they really are.

the Cytherean Burden by Xander

There’s one feeling that almost all transfemmes know:

Being physically wanted as a perceived object

Of Sensuality and Beauty

But nothing else.

The moment the makeup comes off and

The “signs of masculinity” come through,

We are ghosted and completely disposed of.

Though true, I am a being of Immense Pleasure,

I am filled with pools of Knowledge and Nuance that

No one seems willing to explore.

Sometimes I’m tired of chasing and attracting

I want someone to gravitate towards me

Because of the impact I have on them,

Celestial bodies who collide,

Not a dazzling meteorite who passes for a brief moment

And disappears

Forever.

I am writing this new book that may have phrases sprinkled throughout that I learned from Xander like “Do you see me?” “Do you hear me?” “This is My Story.” It may be called something like How it Feels to Live Under the Queer Umbrella.

I am still learning about why I am writing this book, but I know that the more people I interview, the more in touch with the answer I become. What I do know today is:

I want to share the stories of your children, grandchildren, students, best friends, neighbors, and coworkers who identify as LGTBQIA+ because they are some of the most real, kind, compassionate people I have ever met.

I want to “just stop” and see the person in front of me. I need to hear their story without judgment.

I want to be more fluid in my thinking and encourage others to do the same. “Like water on a plate that is divided. If you were to tilt that plate one way or the other, there would still be fluid on one side, but the fluid may sit a little heavier on one side than the other” (Xander).

I understand we are not all born alike. Some of us are binary and respond to only one gender our entire lives. “But some of us are nonbinary. We don’t really identify with the binary genders of male or female; rather, we are a combo of both. I hold one of my hands up to the left of my face to represent male. I hold the other hand up to the right of my face to represent female. Literally look where my face is. I’m right between them” (Xander).

I want to become more authentic so I can really see and hear without judgment.

I am hopeful that when we stop and see these special people for the beautiful beings they are on the outside, but more importantly, on the inside, that they will be seen as individual persons, not as part of a misunderstood group. 

I will be sharing excerpts of my interviews throughout 2023 in preparation of this proud new book in the Things My Mama Never Told Me series.